Limiting and Inaccurate Beliefs
Many of us don’t know what to ask for. Either we don’t know what is available to us because we have never been exposed to it, or we are so out of touch with ourselves that we no longer are able to perceive our real needs and wants. Some of us have become so numbed out that we are simply unaware of our natural yearnings and desires. We no longer know what we really want. Most of us don’t know how to ask. We have never learned the technology of making an effective request. We have not see these effective communication skills modeled in our homes and we were not taught them in our schools or at work. Many of us don’t know whom to ask and when to ask. We have not learned how to identify likely prospects who can deliver what we ask for whether it be a hug, sage advice or an order for something we are selling. And many of us have never learned to read the nonverbal cues that people send us that tell us “I’m with you” or “not now.” “Fear always springs from ignorance. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
We don’t know what is available and possible.
Most of us never knew you could buy a house for no money down until we read Robert Allen’s books. We didn’t know you could request a lower interest rate on your credit cards and get it until we heard Charles Givens speak. We didn’t know you could ask for a free upgrade on your rental car or for a less expensive rate on your hotel room until someone told us that we could. If our parent didn’t teach us, if we didn’t learn it in school and we never saw it modeled by anyone else in our lives, how were we supposed to know?
We don’t know what we really need and want.
Most of us are out of touch with our real needs and desires because we were continually ignored, rejected or shamed for expressing them as a child. We may have been criticized, put down and ridiculed for boldly and repeatedly asking for what we wanted, so it became safer and less painful not to. We simply buried our desires.
We don’t know how to ask.
Most of us never received any modeling or instruction in clear and straightforward asking at home. Most schools don’t offer course in communication skills that teach us how to make effective requests. What most of us did see over and over was nagging, whining, bitching, moaning and complaining. We saw innuendoes, hints and vague requests, but very rarely the straightforward communication of needs, wants and desires. If we never saw these skills demonstrated, it is very hard to learn and integrate them into our lives.
It wasn’t anything anyone ever said. It was just that my father never asked for anything his whole life. I never saw him ask for anything. It wasn’t modeled in my home, so I grew up thinking that a man was supposed to be totally self-sufficient. -Ron Hulnick, Author, Financial Freedom in 8 Minutes a Day
As a child I didn’t see any women asking for what they wanted. My mother never asked for what she wanted. I didn’t have any strong female role models as a child. There weren’t a lot of successful women around. -Barbara De Angelis, Creator of Making Love work, Author of Real Moments